a selection of our favourite definitions
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. DD
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. DD
Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. DD
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. DD
Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. DD
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. DD
Chutzpah: That quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. LR
Corporation:, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. DD
Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. DD
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. DD
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. DD
Distiller: One who makes and sells pernicious and inflammatory spirits. DD
Dull: Not exhilaterating (sic); not delightful; as, to make dictionaries is dull work. SJ
Excise: A hateful tax levied upon commodities, and adjudged not by the common judges of property, but wretches hired by those to whom excise is paid. SJ
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. DD
Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. DD
Lexicographer: A writer of dictionaries; a harmless drudge, that busies himself in tracing the original, and detailing the signification of words. SJ
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. DD
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. DD
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. DD
Oats: A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people. SJ
Politician: 1. One versed in the arts of government; one skilled in politicks. 2. A man of artifice; one of deep contrivance. SJ
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. DD
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. DD
War: God's way of teaching Americans geography. DD
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. DD
Sources
DD: From The Devils Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
LR: Leo Rosten in The Joys of Yiddish
SJ: Dictionary of the English Language, Samuel Johnson
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. DD
Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. DD
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. DD
Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. DD
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. DD
Chutzpah: That quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. LR
Corporation:, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. DD
Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. DD
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. DD
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. DD
Distiller: One who makes and sells pernicious and inflammatory spirits. DD
Dull: Not exhilaterating (sic); not delightful; as, to make dictionaries is dull work. SJ
Excise: A hateful tax levied upon commodities, and adjudged not by the common judges of property, but wretches hired by those to whom excise is paid. SJ
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. DD
Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. DD
Lexicographer: A writer of dictionaries; a harmless drudge, that busies himself in tracing the original, and detailing the signification of words. SJ
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. DD
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. DD
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. DD
Oats: A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people. SJ
Politician: 1. One versed in the arts of government; one skilled in politicks. 2. A man of artifice; one of deep contrivance. SJ
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. DD
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. DD
War: God's way of teaching Americans geography. DD
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. DD
Sources
DD: From The Devils Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
LR: Leo Rosten in The Joys of Yiddish
SJ: Dictionary of the English Language, Samuel Johnson
